What they don’t tell you…

First off, a clarifying statement:

I want readers to see the funny side here, this isn’t a rant on what they should have told me. It was my responsibility as a patient to ask more questions.

The numerous amount of people have done so much for me by doing their jobs and doing them well. From the doctor who found the murmur to the cleaning staff emptying my rooms trash now, and well into the future when I wear out prior to my new valve. Thank you to all health care professionals.

Now, on to what I could have learned if I asked some questions. Starting with the reason I started this post, then in random order:

1. Temperature regulation, what’s that?

Granted, I have an IV in me right now, and it’s to thin my blood, so we’ll see if I’m wearing zip off pants and carrying 2 sweatshirts everywhere. Oh, and the transition from one to another can be instant.

2. If I learned to cough with my stomach before the surgery, I might have a better time.

They mentioned I needed to cough in ICU, and even before that about getting s pillow to hold, but how and where to hold the pillow I didn’t learn till day 4. Obvious goal: don’t move your chest.

3. They play some weird TV at 2am, along with lots of info-mercials.

I already did know this, but it’s worth mentioning cause you’ll get days of seeing different junk in the middle of the night. [Insert sarcasm] I see why it’s so hard being a nighttime security guard.

4. You can’t lay flat.

Try it before the say something and suddenly you need pain meds, once you can finally lay flat (getting there very slowly) and thinking you can try to be on you side… Wrong! But hey, good thing, you get warm real quick…

5. The beds auto-adjust.

Sometime some genius had a grandma that got bed sores. So a great idea formed, make the hospital beds a blow up mattress with shifting pressure points. OMG! Just stop trying to adjust for two seconds until I’m ready! Wait, why is it like full stiffness in my back but my butt is flat? I’m just sitting on the end of the bed, you don’t have to deflate, feet don’t weigh 180lbs.

6. You get to pick your pain meds.

Pain levels, 1-10 is standard, mine is apparently 1-4,8,F’ing kill me now. When they go to give you meds for the first time, they ask you if XXXXX of dose YYY is good enough. I’m not a pharmacist, and apparently we need a checkbox on the screen that says “dumbass has never been in a hospital, he has no idea, pick something you can increase soon if needed” I now can tell you my preferred up to 4, forgot the name of what I got at 8, but I remember the smell.

7. ICU requires more crap to be hooked up.

Wires everywhere! Again, to start just out of surgery there was a LOT. And they each keep coming out. But the bigger heart monitor can’t. The one I have now is remote and just a but bigger than my cell phone, that one I had to put on a cart to walk around.

8. Chest drainage tubes are more pain then most of the rest.

I honestly want to know what happens if those got pulled earlier. Holy Fudge, those things hurt, I just have no words.

9. You remember more than you think you will.

I may not remember it perfectly, but first thing I remember was this nose tube that went to my stomach. It was not comfortable but I also seemed to not care. Well, it wasn’t a “not care” more of a “this could be worse”

10. Prepare to pee.

Not that you’ll pee a lot, just that you’ll need to prepare each time you need to pee. At least after the cath comes out (that’s something…). But really, you’ve got wires and stuff to deal with and you can’t just jump up and go…

11. Just cause the answer was No the first time, doesn’t mean it will be No next time.

So, I asked for one of those warmed blankets while in ICU, what hospital doesn’t have them? And they told me they didn’t have any. So I assumed it was the entire ICU for some health thing. Come to find out when I asked if they had them in the next location and what happened in ICU, they said that ICU should have had then but it’s possible they had none in the warmer at the time. So yeah…. at least ask twice to 2 different people.

12.Breathing will hurt.

This is another, I knew before. But I didn’t really know before. Like sometimes, after over extending just a but to much, it’s like a straight jacket with nails on the inside in certain spots, you exhale and then tighten the jacket, then breath in. But instead of on the outside of your body, it’s really on the inside. Best way I can think to describe it.

13. Minimally invasive is commonly considered more painful but a shorter recovery.

I heard this at least 3-4 times after, but not before. Not the more painful part. So this was like being in a marathon for the first time and seeing a sign at mile 2 that says “you’re almost there”… if you’ve done at least 1, this is a great sign, but the first one it’s a bit rough. Overall, I’m super happy this is the route we went. I got told “you’ll be amazed at how quickly you feel better” and once those chest tubes were pulled, then it’s been right every day, until then, pain level 8.